Here's Why Guys Really Ghost
In case you've somehow been fortunate enough not to hear about the phenomenon known as "ghosting," allow me to enlighten you. Ghosting refers to the process of freezing out a potential romantic interest by ignoring them until they get the hint. But why do guys ghost?
Ghosting can be done on many different levels, from a first date that you weren't that into to someone you've been dating for months or even years. Since ghosting is somewhat of a new phenomenon, made possible thanks to the fact that most of our communication is now electronic, the jury is still out on just how bad it actually is. Some daters would prefer silence over a tired out, "I had a great time but I'm not interested in seeing you again" text message, while others insist that if you've spent a night out with someone, you owe them at least a text saying you're not interested in another date.
To ghost, or not to ghost — that is the question that these 10 guys were faced with when they wanted to stop seeing their potential love interests. Your stance on ghosting just might be swayed after reading what I found out from the dudes who admitted to doing it. Read on for their reasoning behind freezing out their dates.
1. Hashim, 38
"I ghosted because the truth was simply too complicated. I was a coward, but I thought I was being diplomatic in that I left because I was in no way interested in giving her what she wanted. I was wrong, and while I regret the action, I don't regret the choice."
2. Kevin, 29
"It was only a first date. Plus I had met the girl on Tinder. I just assumed that she's used to things ending like that. I know I am."
3. Jason, 24
"I tried to text her, I really did. But nothing that I typed sounded right. I didn't want to make her feel bad by telling her that I didn't want to keep seeing her. I figured saying nothing would just be easier for both of us."
4. Kyle, 26
"I had been on three dates with this girl. We had a good time together, but I wanted to see what else was out there. So I slowly stopped responding, then finally stopped all together. I wanted to keep that door open, so that's why I ghosted her."
5. Keith, 32
"Things just got too serious too quickly. I didn't know how to tell her that I couldn't give her what she wanted (a serious relationship) without sounding like a total dick. Ghosting is a dick move, but me basically telling her that all I wanted from her was a hookup would have been worse."
"I googled her and found her Tumblr where she had written in detail about the sex we had. I couldn't tell her that I googled her, and I couldn't see her again after knowing she was putting our private life on blast. The solution? Ghosting."
"It sounds stupid, but I have been ghosted so many times by girls that when I saw an opportunity to do so with a girl I wasn't interested in seeing again I just figured it was the thing to do."
8. Paul, 24
"She got too needy. We had been out a handful of times, and when I wouldn't respond to her texts for a few hours she would accuse me of the craziest stuff and text some pretty harsh things to me. Finally I was on a six-hour work flight and landed to find over a dozen hate texts from her. I didn't even dignify her with a response. In fact, I blocked her number."
9. Shawn, 26
"I had other options I was exploring, and just wanted to put her on hold for a few weeks to figure things out. But then I went with another one of those options (we're still together actually) and so I ended up ghosting her in the long run."
10. James, 30
"I went out with a girl who was six years younger than me that I matched with. She seemed fine via text and not too young at all, but our date proved otherwise. I felt pretty sure that she'd blast me and try and argue if I told her I didn't want to see her again because of her age. So I just never wrote back."
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Why Do Guys Ghost - 17 Reasons - And How To Stop It From Happening!
When a guy disappears on you it's one of the most annoying things that can happen when dating. Especially if you started liking him and thought “This one might be different!” And now all you can wonder is - Why do guys ghost?
You know the situation:
- You've been talking to him for a while.
- He seems really interested in you.
- And then all of a sudden, POOF! He's gone.
No more texts, no more calls, he disappears off the face of the Earth.
As it turns out, there are reasons why a guy does this. And I'm going to reveal them here.
But you need to sit down and prepare yourself for the truth. The truth is my specialty, and I don't shy away from it. That's why women come to me for the real answers why they don't have the relationship they want. Or deserve.
One of these ugly truths is that you have probably ghosted someone yourself.
In fact, most of us have. Even before there was texting, people have been ghosting. I'm fairly sure that there was a caveman named Gorg that left the cave one day and never came back.
The reason that getting ghosted feels so hurtful is that you had started to awaken your own hope and desire for him, and now you feel abandoned and hurt. It can awaken a bunch of abandonment issues in you, as well as other feelings of insecurity.
Bottom line: It ain't pretty.
Some folks might tell you that it's all HIS fault. Guys are just inconsiderate and do this to women all the time.
I call this the “blame him” syndrome. It’s popular because men are often vilified as the obstacle in relationships. While guys aren’t as good at the nuts and bolts of relationships, they want a committed relationship just as much as you do.
Look, I’m not going to apologize for men’s bad behavior. There’s plenty of “bad actors” out there, for sure.
But they are NOT in the majority.
And as we know, blaming is not always the truth. In fact, it rarely is.
"If you believe that men are simply inconsiderate, you overlook the real reason why this happens and it will keep happening to you." - Carlos Cavallo
Remember I'm here to help you be successful, not lie to you!
There are two primary reasons why a man will ghost you:
- He was “pushed” away
- He “ran” away
Allow me to explain…
While men are often viewed as being very active in their lives, they are very frequently passive within relationships. Mostly because he feels incompetent at them. He doesn't understand how women think, or how relationships should work.
After all, relationships are fairly simple for a guy. His needs are not quite as complicated as a woman's are usually. So he usually spends most of his time trying to figure out how to make YOU happy.
As a result, men can be very “sit back and watch” when it comes to relationships. Guys aren't exactly sure what makes a relationship work, but they are fairly intuitive at figuring out if it won't work out with you.
If he feels like you're not going to mesh well with his life, he will feel “pushed” away.
And if he doesn't feel like he can make you happy, he will simply leave. This is why men “run away” from a relationship. And a big reason why he ghosts you.
We're going to avoid blaming here so that I can tell you the real truth about what men experience from women in relationships. Even if you haven't been dating all that long, these are very important for you to know.
Especially if you're having trouble getting past that first month or two of a relationship. This is a very common “wall” for women that they can't get past.
Why He Ghosts You - REASON 1: He found someone else
Might as well get the tough one out of the way right off the bat.
Most often, a man will try to date as many women as he possibly can. And then he picks the one that matches him the best. Any other women that he may have encountered in that time he simply forgets about. He'll stop texting, calling, etc.
It's not that he is actively disrespecting you. It's not that he's trying to hurt you. From his perspective, he simply is making the best choice for him and his love life.
Even if you felt like he was an awesome catch, that doesn't mean that he notices how great you were together. Of course, this doesn't diminish your value, so you have to be willing to let these guys go.
REASON 2: He doesn't have good communication skills
If a guy simply doesn't want to pursue a connection, for whatever reason, he may simply run out of ideas how to break off the relationship. He may have had genuine feelings for you, but been unable to communicate his reasons for needing to leave.
So he just ghosts you.
A lot of men simply don't have the vocabulary for good relationship communication skills. It's not something guys work on as they grow up, so this ability atrophies.
And this is another reason why men need your help when it comes to communication within the relationship.
REASON 3: He Isn't Good At “Awkward”
There are MANY people out there (men AND women) who simply don't like awkwardness. (I'm not crazy about it - are you?)
The problem is that most all social situations are a little bit awkward when you get right down to it.
And breakups are the Big Kahuna of AWKWARD.
So a guy will simply avoid contacting you if he isn't feeling anything special in your connection.
His feelings of awkwardness override any consideration of your feelings, and so he will stop communicating to avoid an awkward communication.
REASON 4: He got spooked
Some women give off signals that men pick up fairly early on. Even though men are typically typecast as not having good relationship skills, the truth is that men have very good instincts when it comes to relationships. They may not be able to put them into words, but they feel them.
One thing a guy can feel fairly easily is if a woman is giving off signals of neediness or insecurity. He can pick right up on that.
And the reason is, unfortunately, a guy will run into many women who want a relationship more than they want the man they are currently dating. Meaning that she really just wants a relationship and to not be alone .
You may not even realize that you're giving off these signals. It's mostly unintentional.
REASON 5: He doesn’t think you’re The One
Another thing that men have good instincts about is whether or not you'll make a good long-term partner for him. From HIS point of view.
Believe it or not, almost every single guy is looking at a woman in terms of whether or not she'd make a great girlfriend / wife for him. You might make the mistake of thinking he's trying to avoid commitment, but -
A man only avoids commitment with the women that he doesn't feel are right for him.
And I think you'd agree, that's totally valid.
This is another place where men rely on their instincts.
A man also relies on his past experience in previous relationships.
Interestingly, men do have really good instincts when it comes to signals a woman gives off in a relationship. He may not be able to explain them as well as you can, but he can sense them.
If a guy doesn't feel like you are the one for him, and he doesn't know or have the skills to end the relationship politely, he may just ghost you.
REASON 6: He has relationship anxiety
This is probably true for most of us. We all experience some form of anxiety in relationships, usually related to our sense of self. If you are very stable and grounded, with a high level of self-esteem, you will probably not be as anxious in a relationship.
However, most people do not have that level of self-esteem. They feel judged, evaluated, exposed, and vulnerable in relationships.
Which, as you might expect, leads to some anxiety.
And guys just don't have a high level of competence at relationship communications. So a guy is going to feel anxious about a relationship in direct proportion to how in control he feels.
And when it comes to women versus men in this situation, there's really no comparison. Men just don't feel stable and grounded in a relationship when women are more savvy at the mechanics of relationships.
Honestly, he feels out of control . Which is why men very often defer to women in the relationship.
REASON 7: He's not a multi-tasker
Men cannot handle too many complications in their life at once. In fact, three is our absolute limit, for the most part. If he's got three stressful things going on, he's got NO room for anything else.
Heck, ONE stressful thing will completely hijack his attention. And that's enough to stress us out.
If a guy has something going on that is stressful or demands a lot from him, he won't have much attention to place on you - or a relationship. In fact, a relationship will probably overload him .
He probably doesn't want to lose the relationship, but he doesn't know how to communicate his situation to you. So he simply disappears.
He may be going through a personal issue of his own.
Think back to conversations you had about his life or his current situation, and see if you can remember something he may have mentioned that you didn't pick up on. He may have minimized it, but it might have been a really big deal.
He could have had a death, lost his job, money problems, or any number personal issues.
If he's dealing with something big, chances are he doesn't want to deal with a relationship at the exact same time. No matter how much you might think you could help him with it, he won't see it as helping him where he is.
Don't try to force him - give him space, and support him, and he'll be back after it's taken care of.
REASON 8: He didn't feel safe with you
Believe it or not, safety is a very important part of a relationship to a man. Not his physical safety, really. It's more about his emotional safety .
While men are not physically abused as much as women are, emotional abuse is actually quite common against men in relationships. Very often it exists as a low hum of unhappiness.
Men feel coerced and controlled frequently within relationships. Sometimes it's his fault for not stepping up and standing his ground. But very often it can be an unhealthy dynamic in communication.
Be very careful about dismissing this particular reason as being a 'myth.' The fact is that many men feel emotionally at a disadvantage in their relationships. This often leads to feelings of anxiety and depression.
REASON 9: He's got issues
You know the issues right?
- abandonment issues
- emotional issues
- attachment issues
- commitment issues
- vulnerability issues
- availability issues
Yes, guys have every imaginable issue out there. But not every man has an issue.
You can usually spot his issues in his behavior early on. The warning signs are almost always there.
And you can also see his issues in how he handles other relationships, like his family and friends.
Always be on the lookout for signs and signals for his level of emotional maturity.
Let's face it, not every guy is going to be able to be there in a relationship with you.
So while every self-help book would have you believe that his issues are really what's getting in your way, make sure you really take a good close look at what's going on.
When a guy ghosts you, he's responding to something he's feeling.
Which means it's real to him.
REASON 10: He just sucks at communication
Every so often you’ll start dating a guy who is just a really terrible communicator.
It might even happen to be that you really like to text him, and he hates texting with a passion. (There are more guys like this than you know.) In this situation, it might seem like he's ghosting you when he's really not.
When he disappears from your life, it could be a simple case of incompatible communication channels.
REASON 11: That was all he was looking for...
Yes, there are quite a few guys out there who don't want a relationship. They really would like to have the physical intimacy (sex) but they're not interested in making a relationship of it.
The key here is to recognize these guys in advance - and avoid them if that's not what you want.
Remember that it's not wrong for him to want this as long as he is upfront about his intentions at the very start.
And you might notice that you reinterpret or misinterpret those intentions on purpose. Especially if you want - really want - a committed relationship.
And remember also that if you were particularly easy - i.e., you had sex on the first or second date - you played right along with what he was looking for.
Make sure that you're sending the right message with your own behavior. If you disregard your own needs to entrap a man, you will often get this kind of result where he just ghosts you.
Just a note here - This is the most common reason a guy will ghost you . He felt that you were just going to be an easy lay, and that immediately disqualified you from being a serious candidate for a relationship. He’ll just see you as a friends-with-benefits gal.
However you might feel about that, it’s true about men. If you sleep with him too soon, you’re going to have a long, difficult road to turning it around into a relationship.
REASON 12: Your signals were confusing him
You might think you're communicating your interest in a relationship with him, but perhaps you were sending mixed messages.
One of the most common areas of confusion is when a woman doesn't really make her interest CLEARLY known to a guy. And then he gets tired of feeling confused about her interest or a lack of interest and just disappears on her.
Some women just aren't available. Or she's not as available as she thinks she is. And this comes out in her behavior.
And of course this also confuses him . Guys are already confused enough by relationships, they don't want to be confused about your interest in him. He needs to feel hope to keep fighting forward!
REASON 13: He thinks you're crazy
Sorry, but I have to throw this one in the ring. Chances are if you're reading this article, you're probably not that crazy.
Or... maybe you are a little nuts.
However, many guys ghost a woman they've been dating when the opportunity comes just to break it off. If he feels like there might be emotional repercussions - of the 'crazy' variety - he will simply ghost you to avoid anything crazy happening.
Like stalking or other unstable behavior.
Sometimes guys label you as crazy just to have an excuse for leaving a relationship. (I’ve done this myself to many women in the past.)
After all, it's easier to blame the other person than ourselves.
REASON 14: Too much too soon
Guys are very easily overwhelmed at the start of a relationship. You have to be careful about how much emotion you communicate to him.
No matter how much of a magical connection you feel like you have with him, you got to keep that to yourself.
He may not realize it yet. He may not even see it at all. And even if you're the most intuitive, empathic woman on the planet, that doesn't mean he's going to believe you that you're both “destined to be.”
Let's face it: The stereotype of “women who come on too strong to get a commitment” is well-known. And stereotypes exist because they are partly true .
If we're being perfectly honest, stereotypes are frequently true!
- So do your best to contain your excitement for the new relationship.
- Don't become unhealthily attached.
- Give the relationship a chance to bloom and blossom.
In other words, you can't go too slow from the man's point of view.
SECRET TIP: What you consider “slow” is probably just right for him!
Pace yourself and recognize that men are going to work a little slower at realizing that you're his soulmate. Give him a chance to find it out for himself.
REASON 15: He felt misled or lied to
Many times in a relationship, a guy feels like he's discovering things that were not communicated to him clearly in advance. He might feel a bit misled about the person you presented to him.
Look, we all want to put on our best appearance to win over a person we think is a “catch.”
But you have to be as honest as you can about who you are and what you want.
No, this does NOT contradict the previous reason where I told you to slow down and not admit your instant infatuation with him. Slowly revealing yourself is not a lie or dishonest.
It’s called prudence .
Think about the last person who unloaded their entire history on you in the space of a day or so and remember how turned off you felt.
REASON 16: He doesn't think you share the same vision of the future
Some men are already thinking about the future they have in mind. They may want kids, or they may not want kids. He may be ambitious, or you may not be ambitious.
But if he thinks that you do not share that same path or destiny, he will simply retreat or disappear on you. He doesn't want to get into big philosophical discussions about it, he just senses that you're not on the same path.
And you know what? Maybe he's right .
You may not want to see it that way, but it might be true.
REASON 17: He’s playing the field
In today's dating market, all you have to do is swipe your finger across your phone screen to meet somebody new. That lowers the bar quite a bit.
If a guy wants to play the field, it's never been easier for him to do that. All he's got to do is jump right back on a dating app.
This is why it pays to meet men through as many different methods as possible. You can meet people online, or through apps.
But just recognize that the easier the method to meet him, sometimes the less devoted or into a long term relationship he will be.
BONUS REASON 18: He thinks you're "BTN"
A "BTN" is a "better than nothing."
Trust me, I know how awful that sounds. But we've all hung out in a relationship at one time or another simply because we were waiting on something better to come along.
Maybe the relationship was a bit boring, maybe it wasn't all that great for chemistry. But until he finds an upgrade, you'll do.
YES - it really sucks to have someone do this to you and not tell you the truth. But keep in mind that sometimes he wasn't aware of it until he found the "better option."
Again, let's not pretend guys are the only ones to do this. I've been dumped before by women that were just keeping me around for a "boy toy."
BONUS REASON: He thinks you're "too good for him."
Actually, this is never the case. But he might say that to you to make you feel better.
Just don't fall for it. No one really stops dating someone they think is out of their league. They just end up sabotaging the relationship beyond repair all on their own.
YOUR REASON: He's a narcissistic, selfish jerk who just doesn’t care if he hurts people.
I'm betting this is the reason you may have thought most of the time. Thankfully, it's rarely ever true. Sometimes, yes. But not nearly as often as you might think.
In the Heat of the Moment, when you're dealing with the disappointment of a guy who ghosts you, you probably will feel that he must be heartless, self-centered jerk.
Who could blame you? (And there are a ton of women’s magazines out there - and probably most of your girlfriends - that would agree.)
Just realize that most people (99.99%) do not intentionally try to hurt other people. Not even through omission of action!
Beware that knee-jerk reaction to just push all your anger (and really, why are you so angry?) onto him and making him the villain.
We're all just trying to make our way through this world as best we can. Some of us are doing a better job of it than others.
If you want to stay in this game long enough to find the man of your dreams, you have to avoid being pulled down into the dark, unhappy outlook of others.
And you might just need to find out what is blocking you!
- What is your roadblock right now to your relationship?
- Is he pulling away?
- Is your communication cruddy?
- Do you know what you need to fix your relationship?
Well, you can find out - RIGHT NOW!
Just take my latest quiz - The Relationship Roadblock Quiz:
For the last 18 years I've been helping women catch the man they want and make him fall in love.
What I discovered is that one of the biggest questions women have is:
Why Is He Pulling Away ? And How Do I Keep Him Interested?
With this short quiz , I can tell you exactly where to go from here.
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Carlos Cavallo Dating and Relationship Guru
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Why He Stopped Loving You...
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Why Do Guys Ghost? 5 Reasons That Will Save You Heartache
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Why do guys ghost? Honestly, I don’t get it.
I’m sure you’ve experienced ghosting while talking to a guy:
Things are going well. You’re texting or talking on the phone regularly. He’s even starting to be a little vulnerable with you . You’re starting to feel like this might actually turn into a relationship.
Then suddenly, out of NOWHERE, he just ghosts.
Nowhere to be found.
And you’re thinking, “what the #$^#? What went wrong? What did I do wrong?”
And then every once in a while after you’ve written the guy off, you feel the remnants of that ghost. You feel like you’re in a cheesy horror movie where the haunted spirit keeps surprising you…
…in the form of a late night drunk text…
…or a heart on your Instagram post…
…or a right swipe on your Bumble profile .
…and you’re wondering, “what does he want? Why do men ghost, and how can I avoid this horror movie that is my love life??”
Before you get all annoyed at me as I explain why guys ghost, please realize that I don’t condone any of these behaviors. I just want to give you the real deal so you can understand why men act crazy like this.
Why Do Guys Ghost? I Don’t Understand!
When I talk to women who are dating later in life , maybe after a divorce, one of the top things they’re frustrated about is ghosting.
Let me just say: ghosting is the cowardly way out of a relationship. Regardless of the reason behind the ghosting (which we’ll go into in a minute), not bothering to explain to you why he ended things is just the easy way out.
But don’t worry about it. He’s got some serious bad karma to deal with for ghosting you!
Here are a few of the reasons why guys ghost.
1. He Got Scared
You might not be the only one with a traumatic past that makes it hard for you to open up in new relationships . He might have been cheated on by a past girlfriend, or hurt in some other significant way.
Or he may have never been in a serious relationship before. Either way, it’s important for you to understand that many men have a real fear of emotional intimacy.
There’s not a lot you can do if he’s ghosted because he got scared. In future relationships, try to look for signs that he’s into you but maybe shies away from commitment and try to go slow so he can get used to the idea of being with you long-term.
2. He Got What He Wanted
Just to be clear: usually what the guy wants is sex. He wants that physical connection but none of the emotional intimacy you’re pushing for.
I’ve got to admit that in my 20s, I was guilty of this reason guys ghost. I wasn’t interested in anything serious, and I was too immature to be real with the women I went out with to let them know that.
Consider this my penance: to answer the question, why do guys ghost.
Although a whopping 80% of 18-33-year-olds have been ghosted , sadly, this is not a phenomenon only for Millennials. I hear from so many members of the Love Strategies community that they’re encountering men in their 40s, 50s, and beyond who only want sex and then ghost.
This blows my mind. Clearly some men will never grow up.
So how can you avoid being used for sex? Talk to a guy you’re dating early on to find out what he’s looking for. An honest guy will let you know up front if he just wants to hook up, and then you can decide if you’re okay with that or if you want to hold out for a real relationship. Do this before you have sex!
3. He’s Avoiding Confrontation
This man might have gotten to the point in his relationship with you that he’s simply not “feeling it” anymore. He might have been really into you at first, but for whatever reason, his feelings have faded.
Maybe something happened that he didn’t like or he just realized that this wasn’t going anywhere long-term. Surprisingly, people who believe in soul mates are more likely to ghost you, even in a short term relationship, which 22% of those people think it’s okay to do .
Sadly, we live in a time where we’ve gotten worse at confrontation. That might be because we live our lives on our phones and don’t know how to deal with real world situations. Maybe we’ve always sucked at confrontation. I don’t know.
Whatever the cause, it’s one of the reasons guys ghost. It’s crappy that they don’t have the nerve to tell you directly that they’re not interested anymore, but realize that a guy who ghosts is weak, and you are strong. Confronting him about ghosting won’t help you understand why he left, so just give it up and stop looking for answers.
4. He’s a Narcissist
A classic narcissist isn’t concerned about you and your feelings. He will use you — sexually or emotionally — and then discard you without any remorse.
I’m sorry if you’ve been dating a narcissist and he ghosted, but look at it this way: if you’d continued to date a narcissist long-term, you would have gotten even more hurt. So you’re lucky you got out early!
5. He’s a Boy, Not a Man
A boy will ghost on you because he doesn’t know better and he doesn’t want to experience your wrath.
A man will tell you how it is, even if it’s something you don’t want to hear, and even if he knows you will be upset with him.
Don’t assume that if you’re dating men who are 40, 50, or older that they’re actually men. Sadly, men who start out emotionally immature sometimes never really grow up. They’re Peter Pan, and they’ll ghost you, avoid commitment, and generally be bad for you.
If you find that you keep dating Peter Pan types, consider what it is that attracts you to them. Maybe you like that they’re creative types but hate that they won’t commit. Next time, break out of your pattern and try dating an analytical guy or someone completely opposite.
Why do guys ghost? While I’ve given you several reasons, the bottom line is: these men aren’t right for you. If you shift your mindset, you’ll see that being ghosted is actually a good thing.
Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps
By having him end things early, you have avoided the pain of being in a relationship with a scared little boy who doesn’t have the balls to communicate with you properly.
This isn’t The One. This isn’t the man who is your equal, who will be a good partner for you for the foreseeable future. This is just a speed bump on your path to love, and one that you are now over.
And let me just close by saying: women ghost too. If you know that you’ve ghosted a guy, I want you to be brave next time you realize things aren’t working out and just tell him. It’ll be great karma for you!
I know it’s frustrating when men ghost, but I promise you: if you keep getting out there and being open to opportunities to find love, you absolutely will.
Share the Love
What do you think? Share your thoughts below...
I am 64 yo and after a 32 yr marriage am back on the dating scene. I am attractive and have a law degree and know I have my act together. I have tried on-line dating and I do not mind ghosting, because it makes me stronger. In almost every instance, I’ve been zombied (the dead return). I am able to stay classy and strong and respond in a positive way, but move on. Ghosting is informative for me—-I don’t have time for games, immaturity or fear. Life is too short. This is like buying a used car. We take … Read more »
I love your term “zombied” and would love to use it in an article I’m working on! Love your attitude as well. Happy dating!
Thank you ! I feel better now that I kind of understand why this guy ghosted me . We dated for few weeks and seems like he really like me and to the point that I really feel that he is falling in love with me. He took me to a dinner and a movie then when I went home we flirted on texts then the next day he stop talking to me . I am very confuse that he just left without saying goodbye . I was even scared that he might died or something and also wondered what … Read more »
I dated s guy, he said he totally had fallen for me, he ghosted after 11 month, and ended the relationship per email, never told me why. We are talking about a 57 year old….mindblowing ,to say the least, and the funny part was , he told me , I overrated my communication skills.
Thanks for opening my eyes…. I have done it to many people…..
What if they ghost continuously? Like go away for a week and creep back in for several weeks more only to go ghost for another three days or so creating a ghost pattern and the excuses are normally something I’ve done that’s wrong? Like one time my ex boyfriend used the excuse I was suffocating him. Another was I went to bed instead of waiting up until he finished cleaning his room to come over to my place and hang out. Another time, he went out with a friend and while he was gone I found out from my best … Read more »
A deadbeat ghost
A total loser, not worth the air he breathes.
A lot of men don’t really enjoy communicating or talking about their feelings, so it’s easier for them to go silent than it is to have an awkward conversation. In the end though the reason doesn’t really matter. If he ghosted he’s not the one. What sucks even more is when guys ghost and come back….
I been ghosted 21 years ago when me and this older highschool boy in Taegu, Korea I was madly in love with walked out of our hotel room without saying anything. I poured my heart out to him then let him make the most passionate love to me. He acted like he fell for me that night. Then he left. He just stopped and stared at me then walked out. Then he tried to be my man a week later. It was so confusing. He brike my heart. Needles to say I never did thee hotel hookup ever again.
What a great article! It’s good to know that 1. there are men out there who don’t ghost, and 2. that I’m not the only one. It really helps to know that so many other women experience this, too, because I’m guilty of thinking it’s because of something I said or did that turned a guy off when the truth is that sometimes, they’re just scared boys who don’t have the confidence to be honest. It’s also a great reminder for me to choose to not have sex on the first date. For women who are fine with having fun … Read more »
I really needed to hear this!
I was in a long term relationship with a 40 year old,I’m 30,he spent 2 years telling me how we were going to grow old together,but then he breaks up with me,then he tries to get me back for months,then just ghosts me,I’m pissed
Classic Narc behavior. You dodged a bullet.
Thanks for the amazing blog. https://www.moroccoshiningtours.com/
thanks so muchs for this super blog post
Ghosting is a part of everyonces life
thank you so much for this wonderful post
At 54 years of age I made a new male friend or so I thought, in the beginning he was highly complimentary. Going back over our conversations I realised something was off, so I took my time, thankfully things never developed beyond what I initially perceive as friendship. The things he said were always negative when we talked about our shared interests. Another red flag was while talking another lady passed by who I knew to say hi. When I said hi to her his face changed and he looked highly irritated. It was then I realised he was using … Read more »
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Why Men Ghost And The High Value Response To It: A Comprehensive Guide
- April 28, 2023
- | Sami Wunder
Ghosting is a phenomenon that has taken the dating world by storm. It is the act of disappearing without any explanation or communication from the person you were seeing. The feeling of being ghosted is akin to being left stranded in the middle of nowhere. This behavior is prevalent among men, especially around the three-month mark. In this article, we will break down the topic of why men ghost and what the most high value response to it is.
What Is Ghosting?
Ghosting is the act of disappearing on someone you have been dating without any explanation. It is called “ghosting” because of how it feels: everything changes overnight, and you are left wondering what happened. You ask yourself, “Is this even real? Everything was going so well…”
What Is Its Impact?
The impact of ghosting can vary. If you have been expecting the relationship to end as things have not been going well, you will not be surprised when your partner disappears. You may feel bad, but deep down, you knew it was about to happen.
However, when the man you have been seeing disappears without explanation after treating you like a queen for weeks, it can be one of the most painful experiences to navigate. It is such cases that make you spin in your head, trying to understand why men ghost.
Now, women not only try to understand why men ghost but also internalize the guilt. They ask themselves questions like:
- “What did I do wrong here, for him to disappear on me like this?”
- “Why don’t I ever go beyond the 3-month mark with any good man?”
- “What is wrong with me?”
- “Why do men always chicken out when a relationship starts to get real?”
Why Do Men Ghost in Dating?
None of these questions are true or helpful.
A man ghosting on you does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you will never be able to navigate beyond the three-month mark. My husband did not, and neither did any of the husbands of my happily married clients.
So, why do men ghost?
There are several potential reasons. .
A male expert explains that men ghost, often around the three-month mark, because that is when a relationship starts to get real, and his fears come up.
Another expert says that they ghost because they get overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings and cannot cope with them.
Yet another expert says that men ghost on a woman around that point because they may not be ready to give you what you want.
However, it is my husband’s response that hits home for me the most.
Men disappear on a woman when they are not sure they are feeling it for her and she is NOT their forever one.
As a relationship expert, I know that a man would try to overcome his fears, insecurities, and doubts for a woman who he is sure is “THE ONE.”
His passion, his desire, his wanting to be with her will help him trump his demons and fears.
So, all of these mental acrobatics about why men ghost on women do not interest or capture me. They actually feel like a waste of time, a temporary way to distract a woman from addressing the real issue:
How do you respond to a man who ghosts on you, irrespective of why he ghosted on you?
Because his “why” does not matter… that he ghosted on you, DOES!
The High Value Response To Ghosting
Now that we have understood why men ghost, it is time to discuss the high value response to ghosting. There are two things of importance here:
1.Understand that there is nothing you can do to make him change his mind.
Men do what they want, and the last thing you want to do in a romantic equation is beg a man to be with
2. Respond in a high value way.
So, what does it mean to respond in a high value way when a man ghosts you?
First and foremost, it means not chasing after him. It means not sending him endless messages, calling him repeatedly, or trying to force an explanation out of him. It means not resorting to name-calling or engaging in drama. It means not begging him to come back or trying to guilt-trip him into giving you an explanation.
Instead, responding in a high value way means taking a step back and focusing on yourself. It means taking care of your own well-being and happiness, rather than fixating on why he ghosted on you.
It means maintaining your dignity and self-respect, even in the face of rejection. It means understanding that his ghosting is about him, not about you, and that you deserve someone who is willing to communicate and be present in a relationship.
Here are some specific ways to respond in a high value way when a man ghosts on you:
- Give him space: I f a man ghosts on you, the best thing you can do is give him space. Don’t try to force an explanation out of him or bombard him with messages. Let him come to you if he wants to communicate. If he doesn’t, then it’s a clear sign that he’s not interested in continuing the relationship, and it’s time for you to move on. I truly believe that trying to have a conversation or getting closure is overrated, especially in early dating.
- Focus on self-care: Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, engage in activities that make you happy, and practice self-compassion. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, and don’t let his ghosting affect your self-esteem.
- Set boundaries : If he does come back after ghosting, it’s important to set boundaries. Let him know that his ghosting was hurtful and unacceptable, and that you won’t tolerate such behavior in the future. Communicate your expectations clearly and stand firm in your boundaries.
- Don’t engage in drama: It can be tempting to lash out at him or engage in drama when you’re hurt by his ghosting, but this will only prolong the pain and create more negativity. Avoid engaging in negative behaviors such as name-calling, arguing, or seeking revenge. Instead, rise above the situation and respond with grace and dignity.
- Move on: If a man ghosts on you, it’s important to recognize that it’s not a reflection of your worthiness or desirability. It’s his loss, not yours. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship, but also give yourself permission to move on. Don’t dwell on the why’s and what-if’s, and don’t wait around for him to come back. Focus on yourself and open yourself up to new possibilities.
In conclusion, ghosting can be a painful experience, but it’s important to understand that it’s not about you, even though in the moment I know it does feel personal.
Men ghost for various reasons, and it’s not always a reflection of your worthiness or desirability.
The most high value response to ghosting is to focus on yourself, set boundaries, and respond with grace and dignity.
Remember that you deserve someone who is willing to communicate and be present in a relationship, and don’t settle for anything less. Keep in mind that ghosting is a sign that the relationship was not meant to be, and it’s an opportunity for you to move on and find someone who appreciates and respects you for who you are.
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Why Do People Ghost In A Relationship? Here’s What Experts Say
Most of these don’t warrant a second chance.
According to a 2018 study from Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , out of 1,300 people surveyed, a quarter of them had been ghosted by a partner. And a fifth reported ghosting someone themselves.
While the term ghosting sounds like a harmless prank you play on Halloween, the act itself can be super hurtful. “You've established communication, you've established rapport, regular lines of contact, and all of a sudden that person just leaves and you have no way to contact them,” explains Natalie Jones, PsyD . “Basically that person holds all the cards in terms of line of communication,” she adds. And that can leave you feeling disregarded, undervalued and just plain crappy.
So why do people ghost? After all, how complicated can it be to text, “I think you’re a great person, but TBH, I don’t think we’re compatible because [insert truthful or bullsh*t reason here]?" That’s all you have to do to end things without completely disappearing. And yet, so many people will choose to leave you hanging instead.
According to Jones, someone’s reason for ghosting you likely has little do with you at all. Instead, she explains that it's often a sign of their own emotional immaturity, attachment issues, and more. Read on to see why your last S.O. might have pulled a disappearing act.
1. They're with someone else.
It's a hard pill to swallow, but the person who ghosted you might have been seeing other people at the same time they were seeing you. And when things started getting serious—they sensed that you wanted commitment or there was a reoccurring fight about meeting each other's friends—they fell back and moved onto the next person, Jones explains. Harsh, but also unfortunately true.
2. They're emotionally immature.
A.k.a. they're a bad communicator. "This person definitely made promises that they couldn't keep," Jones explains. Maybe they said they'd love to go on a trip with you and then flaked. Being emotionally immature is all about these inconsistencies between what they say and what they do, the expert adds. It's this inconsistency that usually takes charge when they're ghosting you after they already said they were ready to settle down. *shakes head*
3. They're not interested in committing to you .
Sometimes, it takes a date or two or a few to get a read on somebody, and when a guy or girl decides early-ish on that they're just not that into you, they might disappear. His line of thinking might be that he doesn’t owe you an explanation since you hadn’t been messing with each other’s feelings for long enough to really warrant one. Or it could be that she doesn't think she can give you what you're looking for in particular (read: a long-term relationship.). "It's the role that they're afraid of. They're feeling like they can't live up to the expectation of fulfilling that relationship with you," Jones says. And in that case, you don't want them anyway.
4. They're going through something personal.
This one is an occasionally justifiable reason for ghosting someone (IMO!)—and one that I think you can bounce back from. Let's say you just started talking to someone and their close friend dies, and they don't know how to unload all of this on someone new. That situation could warrant a second chance .
There just needs to be, "solid proof that they've done the work, or that they put in the time to actually change and work through whatever the issue was," Jones says. And you (the person who was ghosted!) would need to actually forgive them. Otherwise, you'll end up getting back together, and every time you're in a fight, the ghosting will come up again. And nobody will like that.
5. They're dealing with anxiety.
Generalized anxiety often stems from fears, including abandonment or not being perfect, which can easily trickle down into one's relationship. And so because the person is anxious in love, it can be very difficult for them to settle into or get comfortable in a relationship, Jones says. They may actually do things to self sabotage (think: ghosting).
6. There's a safety concern in the relationship.
Let's face it: Sometimes someone might ghost because they feel they have no other option. (Btw, it's not just women who feel unsafe in relationships: 49 percent of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner and four out of 10 men have experienced at least one form of coercive control by an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. ) "Sometimes the only way to walk away from a toxic relationship is to just disappear," Jones says.
7. They don't want to get too attached.
Maybe the person you're seeing moved around a lot as a kid or grew up in a chaotic family environment where people were always moving in and out of their life. Jones often sees these early adolescent experiences play out in current relationships. "They learned very early on that people, places, and things weren't stable," Jones explains. And as a safety mechanism, they try not to get too emotionally attached to any one person, place, or thing (see, not your fault!).
8. They got what they wanted from you.
This is, I fear, very common. "People use people," Jones says. That could mean financially, sexually or in the workplace. Once they feel like they've accomplished what they wanted to accomplish, they'll disappear. And the truth is: "They weren't really ever interested in a relationship with you. You were kind of approached under the guise that they were," Jones explains.
The bottom line: If someone ghosts you, there could be a good reason for it. But it might also be a sign they're not ready for a relationship, in which case, you shouldn't waste your time on them either.
Alexis Jones is an assistant editor at Women's Health where she writes across several verticals on WomensHealthmag.com , including life, health, sex and love, relationships and fitness, while also contributing to the print magazine. She has a master’s degree in journalism from Syracuse University, lives in Brooklyn, and proudly detests avocados.
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Why Did He Ghost Me? The Scientific Answer Why Men Disappear
Why did he ghost me seriously, why is ghosting a thing and why does it keep happening.
Table of Contents
Ghosting Is Basically The Norm Now
If you have been ghosted by a man you were seeing, you are not alone.
This happens to pretty much everyone and I often hear it from my coaching clients.
You’re having a great time with a guy you just met. He asks you out on dates, he texts you, you’re having great sex and then suddenly, you don’t hear from him again…
Why Did He Ghost Me? The Scientific Answer
Before we get into it, let’s grab a definition of ghosting from fellow dating coach over at wingmam :
What is ghosting? It’s when he’s either no longer interested (98% chance) or actually really dead (1.5% chance) or “thinking about it” (.5% chance)
Ouch. Most of us know that men who ghost us are probably not interested. Yet we still wonder, why? Things seemed to be going to so well.
Well, hears where can get a little help from science.
See men and women experience attraction a little differently than each other.
Understanding this difference is going to help explain why this happens.
Men are physical attraction first, personality second. Women are personality and emotional bonding first, physical attraction second.
So when you’re on a first date with a guy, you’ve seen his basic appearance and you’ve decided “this will do” and from then on, you’re analyzing and critiquing every aspect of his personality.
If he talks too long about himself, that’s a turn-off.
If he doesn’t pay for dinner, that’s a turn-off.
He mentions he is into hunting, that’s either a turn-off or a turn on but either way, you’re trying to get a sense of his entire personality based on one interest or hobby.
In a nutshell, once you have decided that his physical appearance is good enough, you will spend the rest of the time figuring out if his personality lives up to your standards.
You’re testing to see if he is going to make a good long-term partner.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but… men don’t do it this way!
Instead, he is analyzing how “hot” you are and how much he is attracted to you physically. This means he is looking at your smile, your body movements, your overall appearance and mannerisms to see if you have physical chemistry.
If he is very physically attracted to you, that comes first and your personality comes second.
This can be proven easily if you have ever had any male friends. How many of your male friends have started seeing a totally bat-shit crazy woman just because she was really hot?
This happens all the time!
Let’s take a look at this study from Medicis Aesthetics to make things a little clearer:
“In a study commissioned by Medicis Aesthetics , 1,000 men and women were polled on many relationship questions — from marriage and divorce to physical attraction. What they found was that while looks mattered to both sexes, for men especially, how their potential partner looked was much more important — and a bigger indicator of overall attraction. “Men are initially attracted to women based on a physical connection and then grow to love the person,” Martinez says. “They do not think someone is nice and then have the attraction grow.” (Tigar, 2019)
This explains why men are so much more likely to ghost you and disappear after seemingly having a lot of fun.
It’s because if they find you physically attractive, they are going to have a lot of fun hanging out with you and having sex with you because that is all they are prioritizing at the moment.
Then eventually, they will start to decide if your personality is something that fits with them for the long-term.
If they decide the answer to this is “no” they will move onto someone else. This might sound harsh but really, it’s only fair.
You have all your standards and checkboxes for things you want in a man.
You want him to have a good job, be family-oriented, intelligent etc. He has every right to have this checklist as well.
The problem here is that both of you are running through the checklists at different times.
You’re running through the checklist on the first date and every date after that.
So if you are interested in seeing him for date number two, this means he didn’t do anything to rule him out of “long-term” potential. Yet if he wants to see you for date number two, this is just because he thinks you’re hot.
He hasn’t even begun to decide if you have long-term potential yet.
He’ll decide this later, once you’ve already started falling for him. If he decides that he doesn’t think you’re long-term potential, he will ghost you even though “things were going so well.”
So there you have it!
Men just go through the “long-term partner” checklist a little later than women.
Now that you know this, it’s even more important to analyze the way a man is treating you in the beginning stages.
Does he just want to take you out for late-night drinks and then back to his place?
Or does he want to spend the whole day at the beach talking and getting to know you?
If the dates he chooses are about getting to know your personality and he is willing to spend time talking to you instead of just having sex, you’ll see that he is interested in more than just a physical relationship.
It’s also a good reminder to stay in the present.
Women tend to get ahead of themselves.
As soon as you meet a guy who isn’t a weird creeper, you’re already planning the wedding.
Now is the time to remind yourself that dating is supposed to be fun and casual at first.
You’re just getting to know each other and your guard should still be up for the most part. You want to make sure the guy you’re seeing is going to be worth it and doesn’t show any red flags.
PS. If you want to download my FREE red flags checklist you can know for sure if the guy you’re seeing is worth your time.
Just remember to take a step back and enjoy the honeymoon phase. If you end up getting ghosted, just say thank you, next!
Forgive The Ghost
If you are a victim of the ghost, just forgive him and move on. As renowned dating coach Evan Marc Katz points out:
…These aren’t bad people, evil people, or sadists who are trying to hurt you. They are just like you. Normal. Confused. Torn between being single and finding love. Torn between chemistry and compatibility. Torn between innumerable dating options that may look better from the outside.
Don’t Take It Personally
If you find yourself ghosted, don’t take it personally. Sure maybe you weren’t a great fit for the man you were seeing but that’s only one of many reasons why he might have ghosted.
Deanna over at Dateworks reminds us:
Men are hardwired for success and can be very focused on reaching certain goals and milestones before they’re ready to commit. Every man will have his own unique set of goals . There will be common themes such as – he needs to feel like he has reached a certain point in his career, a particular status, income level, had a specific experiences, or even be a certain age.
So don’t let the ghost get you down! You want someone who wants you.
How To Attract A Man That Is High Quality
I hope you found this article helpful but it does you know good if you’re not attracting High-Quality Men.
Find out what High-Quality men look for in a woman, check out my Free Guide “How To Attract Higher-Quality Men”. It’s free!
I hope you learned a lot about ghosting! If you’d like to learn more about attracting a high-quality man, download my free checklist , which includes a bonus lesson on compatibility.
Until next time!
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1 thought on “Why Did He Ghost Me? The Scientific Answer Why Men Disappear”
this is a great insight. Especially about ‘forgiving’ the ghoster. Did not think like this but it makes sense. We- the ladies -also reject men. We reject them all the time by not responding to their sms, refusing to go out on a date, not wanting a second date with them and many other things we do that hurt men too. We just do not think about it because it does not seem important. It is very EASY to reject some one we have zero interest for and zero feelings. We think nothing about it. On the other hand, if that man had feelings for you he would be hurt.
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Why Do Guys Ghost And How To Get Over It?
No pain is greater than when your guy vanishes in thin air.
Ashley Baldwin LPC
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Ashley Baldwin is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in Perinatal Health. After her Master's in Counseling, she did certifications in Perinatal Mental Health and is a Certified Addictions Counselor (CACII) with around 1... more
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Rohan was an HR analyst before transitioning into a freelance writer/ editor. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Business Administration with a specialization in Human Resources from Christ University, B... more
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You start dating your love interest, and one day the guy disappears suddenly, leaving you wondering, why do guys ghost?
Ghosting is a behavior most guys resort to by withdrawing all the ways of communication in a relationship. The unpredictable nature of it could lead you to pain and disgust. You even find yourself pondering the reasons he might have acted this way. Unfortunately, in the world of modern dating, some men also use ghosting as a power move to gain the upper hand in the relationship or to avoid confrontations.
However, if you have been through such a situation and have multiple thoughts on guys ghosting, read on as we share a few reasons why guys could ghost and a few tips to handle this phase.
10 Reasons Why Guys Ghost
Guys may resort to ghosting due to several reasons. Here are a few common ones.
1. He is not ready for a serious commitment
Not all guys look for a serious relationship when they start dating a girl. Some may want to have a no-strings-attached or casual relationship . However, the girl may not be on the same page and might fall for the guy. The guy may want to avoid any drama, and so they would try escaping from the situation as fast as possible. Since they are not emotionally attached to the girl, they do not care about her feelings. Ineffective communication is a common reason for a man to ghost a woman, making it one of the primary communication issues that can lead to this behavior.
2. He is interested in multiple women
Some guys are non-commital and keep their options open and talk to multiple women at the same time. They want to have fun and not commit to one. If you get too involved with such a man and expect promises, he would vanish and move on to the other prospects. He does not find cheating wrong.
He may be hiding his true intentions, as he might come to you after getting rejected by other women. Refrain from giving such men a second chance. Dishonesty is a trait that is unlikely to resolve and often persists over time.
3. He is facing personal crises
Personal issues can crop up anytime and could affect one’s mental capacity. It could be a death or illness in the family or a sudden financial crisis. If a man is going through such a situation, the issue at hand takes priority over anything in their life and they become unavailable or inaccessible. If you have started dating, he might probably hide the problem from you and choose to ghost you.
4. He is not what he portrays
When you meet someone new and go on a date , you try to impress them. There is nothing wrong with showing your best version, but some people could take it a little too far. To impress the girl, they tend to brag and lie, trying to be someone they are not. Some even pretend shyness and nervousness to gain sympathy. They might fake that they are super rich or popular or even hide their shady past. Some men show off their wealth or social position to hide their insecurities. If you are dating such a man and express the desire to meet their friends and family, they might try to avoid the awkward situation and disappear.
5. He is immature
A breakup is never easy. It might have unpleasant implications such as disbelief, agony, anger, or bitterness. Some men may not want to experience these. They lack the courage and compassion to face the consequences and give a valid reason . So, living in denial and dodging it may make sense to them, hoping that the issues will disappear if they start ignoring them.. An immature man may have a fear of commitment that can lead to ghosting too. Immaturity is a trait that can only be overcome through gaining experience and personal growth over time. There is nothing you can do or say to make him grow up.
6. He feels threatened or suffocated
Sometimes, it takes more than a few dates to understand a person. The girl might seem nice initially but later display emotional outbursts, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, or clinginess. Such behavior might make the guy feel suffocated and hurt his mental health. In the beginning, he may exhibit avoidance behavior and eventually withdraw from sight without sharing his feelings. If this is constantly happening to you, you might want to rethink your attachment style.
7. He was taking advantage of you
It might sound heart-breaking and harsh, but it happens. Some men tend to use women for their benefit and get involved with an objective in mind. It can be financial gain, sexual gratification, professional growth, social status, or even fame. Once they achieve their objective, they will walk away without looking back. If he shows constant emotional indifference or lack of empathy, it is a red flag that points to his mercenary nature.
8. He has certain mental and emotional issues
Our circumstances and experiences play a huge part in shaping our mental make-up. Previous negative experiences can make people lose faith in commitments . Men who were abandoned as children may have relationship anxiety because they fear being cast-off again.
Not having a stable home as a child due to divorced parents can also make some people unable to form attachments easily. They try to stay emotionally distant to avoid getting hurt. Hence, the moment they find themselves getting too involved, they may freak out and ghost you.
9. He has different expectations
When two people are dating, they have certain expectations from the relationship. If the expectations of the two are not in sync, it can lead to problems. For example, some guys want to get intimate early on, while some prefer waiting. If you are unsure of where you both stand, you may want to sit down and talk openly if you face intimacy issues. Such differences in opinions might make the guy feel dissatisfied. The power dynamics in your relationship greatly affect how the relationship works out.
In such a scenario, while the girl might think things are progressing well, the guy might feel otherwise. Conflicting priorities could be one of the many reasons for him to feel that way. He might ghost you if he sees no future and does not want to take the breakup route, he might ghost you.
A blogger by the name Lady Tall Hair shares her experience of being ghosted by a guy whom she went out with for six months. A year and a half later she politely confronted him and he shared his reason for why he ghosted her. She says, “He explained that he didn’t really remember why but he thought I was different, in a good way, than most women he had gone out with before. He thought that might have scared him, and he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable and explore it more. All of which lines up to what I thought, based on a few conversations we had. He liked me a lot but couldn’t see a relationship with me. And if I’m being totally honest, I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with him. I hid parts of my life that didn’t make me look amazing. I never told him how I felt about him, before or after. I wanted a full relationship with him while only putting in half of the effort (i) .”
10. He thinks there is no chemistry
Some men expect instant fireworks as they start dating . They lack the patience for the chemistry to develop. If these men don’t feel the chemistry, they may write the relationship off. They start to show disinterest and deflect from the relationship right away. They do not believe in wasting any effort and hence choose to disappear without breaking up.
What To Do When A Guy Ghosts You?
Dealing with ghosting can be difficult. The lack of closure can cause you pain. Here are a few things you can do to get over this heartbreak .
1. Be sure about it
Not replying for a few hours doesn’t mean he has ghosted you. Wait for some time before coming to a conclusion. People often get busy with work commitments, travel, or personal issues and cannot reply. Giving it some time will clear all doubts in your mind. You can decide on a timeline for the wait. Give him a few days. During this period, avoid bombarding him with messages or calls. After the deadline is crossed, try to move on .
2. Take a decision
Even if the guy has ghosted you, there is a chance he might try to come back in the future. You need to figure out what to do next. Would you give him a second chance? It is essential to make up your mind. Your actions will have lasting consequences. If you decide to accept him, there is a possibility that he might hurt you again. Weigh all the pros and cons before making a final decision.
3. Communicate your feelings
While it is not advisable to text someone who disappeared, certain situations warrant firm feedback. If the guy ghosted you even when everything seemed well, he needs to know the implications of his actions. Text him, and let him know how you feel; don’t vent, disrespect, call him names, or beg him to come back. Avoid harboring any false expectations of his return. Ask him only to get your peace of mind just like blogger Lady Tall Hair did. After she confronts the guy who ghosted her, she says, “I now know that it’s worth it to ask someone if and why they are ghosting me. Although, I will say it’s better to do this sooner rather than later (I don’t recommend waiting 18 months). If for nothing else than to conclude the relationship (i) .” If you have unresolved conflicts, you can send a message telling them that you are not happy with the way things stand between both of you. Send him a message to make him realize his mistake so that he doesn’t repeat the behavior with some other girl.
4. Cut off all contact
If you have decided to move on, you need to break contact . Delete his number, email, chats, and photos and videos from your phone. Unfollow and block him on all the social media platforms.
5. Don’t take it to heart
Being ghosted by a guy might feel humiliating if you had developed feelings for him. But don’t let it affect your self-confidence and self-worth. The problem lies with him and not you, so don’t take it to heart.
6. Avoid pining for him
The guy left you without any explanation, disregarding your feelings. He selfishly took an easy way out. Such men rarely come back, and even if they do, it is usually for their benefit and not because they care. It is in your best interest to avoid pining for him. Take it as a lesson and don’t look back.
7. Allow yourself to be happy
It is natural to feel distressed if a guy you liked ghosted you. But don’t let this setback control your happiness. You deserve to lead a joyful and fulfilled life. Start slow. Seek out small joys in life, do things you love, and pamper yourself . Maintain your physical health, focusing on diet and exercise. Recover mentally by talking to people close to you or meditating. Take your time to heal and most importantly, don’t deny yourself the right to be happy.
8. Start dating again
One bad experience doesn’t mean the entire dating pool is bad. There are good men out there. So slowly but surely, start dating again. It doesn’t have to be serious. Just start talking to people again and see where it leads. You might have some trust issues and might find it difficult to open your heart, but you will heal over time. Getting back in the game would help you come out of your dark thoughts and help you move forward. So, open your dating app and start swiping right again. Online dating norms and the hook-up culture are flexible enough for you to experiment without the fear of rejection.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How long with no contact is considered ghosting?
In most cases, no contact or form of communication for three days or longer can be considered ghosting. Nevertheless, sometimes some emergencies may make it difficult for your partner to contact you. If they reach out to you after three days, listen to their side of the story before you come to a conclusion.
2. What does ghosting say about a person?
Ghosting someone says many things about a person. A person who ghosts others may be considered a coward, disrespectful, unreliable, and inconsiderate.
3. How long will the man who ghosted you take to come back?
The time these persons go missing before deciding to turn up again is unpredictable. Their comeback is usually motivated by something they desire from you that they aren’t getting from someone else.
4. How do you make a guy regret ghosting you?
The best form of revenge is self-love. It may take some time for you to gather yourself, but once you can, make yourself a priority and focus on creating the best version of yourself. Invest time in things that make your heart happy and boost your self-confidence.
If you are interested in a guy and they suddenly begin avoiding you, it could leave you wondering, why do guys ghost?. Most guys resort to this behavior when they are not interested in a serious relationship with you or other personal reasons. However, it is essential not to blame yourself for the guy’s immature behavior. Instead, you must focus on moving ahead by seizing all contact with them and finding ways to be happy. Accept your incompatibility and move on. Also, keep yourself available for dating other men. You never know; you might encounter your dream man soon.
Infographic: Why Men May Ghost And What To Do About It?
Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Get high-quality PDF version by clicking below.
- If your partner is ghosting you, it’s possible he’s not ready for a commitment.
- He might be seeing other women or taking advantage of you.
- If you are confirmed about his intentions, talk it out or move on.
Personal Experience: Source
i. I asked a guy why he ghosted me. Here’s what happened. https://ladytallhair.medium.com/i-asked-a-guy-why-he-ghosted-me-heres-what-happened-b4cf2e2d0102
Ashley Baldwin Licensed Professional Counselor
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Unraveling the Mystery: Why Do Guys Ghost?
In the ever-evolving world of dating, there’s a phenomenon that has left many bewildered and frustrated: ghosting. You’ve probably heard about it, experienced it firsthand, or you’re curious why guys seem to disappear without a trace. Well, you’re in the right place! This blog post delves into the depths of the male psyche to uncover the reasons behind this puzzling behavior. So, fasten your seatbelts as we embark on a journey to unravel why guys ghost and gain valuable insights that might change how you perceive modern dating.
Picture this: you’ve been chatting with a guy for weeks, maybe even had a couple of great dates together. Everything is going smoothly, and you start envisioning a potential future with this person. And then, out of the blue, silence ensues. Texts go unanswered, calls go straight to voicemail, and you feel confused and hurt. What went wrong? Why did he suddenly vanish without a trace? Understanding the motivations behind ghosting can provide some much-needed clarity and help us navigate the complex world of relationships with more awareness.
While it’s important to note that ghosting is not limited to one gender, this blog post focuses on the male perspective. We’ll explore a variety of reasons why guys might choose to ghost, ranging from fear of commitment to emotional unavailability, conflicting priorities, and even external pressures. By shedding light on these underlying factors, we hope to bring you closer to understanding the motivations behind ghosting while offering insights that can empower you in your dating journey.
What is ghosting?
A. Defining ghosting:
Ghosting refers to sudden and unexplainedly disappearing from a relationship, whether it’s a romantic, friendship, or professional relationship. In the context of “ Why Do Guys Ghost? ” it refers to the behavior of men abruptly cutting off communication without any explanation.
B. Common scenarios:
Ghosting can occur in various scenarios, including dating, friendships, and professional relationships. In the context of dating, it often involves a man ceasing communication with someone they were previously involved with or pursuing.
The psychology behind ghosting:
A. Fear of confrontation:
One reason why guys may ghost is that they fear confrontational conversations. Instead of having difficult discussions about their feelings or concerns, they disappear to avoid potential conflict.
B. Emotional immaturity:
Some individuals, including men, may struggle with emotional maturity, making it difficult to handle their emotions and effectively communicate their feelings or intentions. This can lead to ghosting to avoid dealing with emotional complexities.
C. Lack of empathy:
Ghosting often involves disregarding the impact on the other person involved. Some guys may not fully consider or empathize with the emotional distress and confusion that ghosting can cause.
D. Seeking instant gratification:
In today’s fast-paced society, the allure of the next best thing or the pursuit of instant gratification can contribute to ghosting. Men may feel tempted to move on quickly without considering the consequences of their actions.
Reasons why guys ghost:
A. Fading interest: Men may ghost when their interest or attraction towards someone diminishes over time. They may choose to avoid direct communication about their changing feelings and instead opt for disappearing.
B. Overwhelming and commitment phobia: Feeling overwhelmed or trapped in a relationship can be another reason guys ghost. Commitment phobia or a fear of getting too close can lead some men to abruptly cut off communication to regain a sense of freedom.
C. Emotional unavailability: Some men may struggle with vulnerability and find expressing their emotions challenging or engaging in deeper emotional connections. This emotional unavailability can contribute to ghosting when relationships become more intense or require emotional investment.
D. Pursuit of perfection: Unrealistic expectations and a grass-is-greener mentality can continuously lead some men to search for the “perfect” partner. When they perceive a flaw or encounter a better option, they may ghost instead of working through relationship challenges.
The impact of ghosting:
A. Emotional distress: Ghosting can have a significant emotional impact on the person being ghosted. They may experience feelings of rejection, confusion, and self-doubt as they are left without closure or explanation.
B. Damaged trust: Ghosting can erode trust, not only in the specific relationship but also in future relationships. It can create a sense of uncertainty and make it harder for individuals to trust others in new connections.
C. Closure and healing: Communication is crucial for closure and healing after being ghosted. Without open and honest communication, it can be challenging for individuals to process their emotions and move forward.
How to handle being ghosted:
A. Self-reflection: When dealing with being ghosted, reflecting on your behavior and expectations in the relationship is important. Self-reflection can help you gain insights and identify any patterns that may have contributed to the situation.
B. Acceptance and moving on: Instead of dwelling on being ghosted, accepting the situation and focusing on personal growth are essential. Redirecting your energy toward positive endeavors can help you move forward.
C. Seeking closure: While initiating a conversation with the person who ghosted you may not always lead to closure, it can allow you to express your feelings and gain some understanding. However, it’s important to approach such conversations with respect and without expectations.
D. Rebuilding confidence: Surrounding yourself with supportive people can help rebuild your confidence and self-esteem after being ghosted. Seek out friends, family, or a support network that can provide understanding and encouragement.
The responsibility of communication:
A. Promoting open dialogue: To prevent ghosting, it’s important to encourage open and honest conversations in relationships. Creating a safe space where both parties feel comfortable expressing their feelings can foster healthier communication.
B. Setting expectations: Establishing boundaries and intentions early in a relationship can help manage expectations and minimize misunderstandings. Clear communication about what each person wants and expects from the relationship can prevent ghosting due to mismatched expectations.
C. Ending relationships gracefully: Even if a relationship is not working out, it is crucial to end it with respect and kindness. Honoring the other person’s feelings and explaining can help prevent the negative effects of ghosting.
By considering the various reasons why guys ghost, understanding its impact, and adopting healthier communication practices, individuals can navigate relationships more effectively and minimize the occurrence of ghosting.
Q: Why do guys ghost?
A: Guys may ghost for various reasons, such as fear of confrontation, lack of interest, or a desire to avoid emotional vulnerability.
Q: Is ghosting a common behavior among guys?
A: Ghosting is not exclusive to guys but is observed in both genders. However, individuals have different communication styles, and some guys may resort to ghosting to end a relationship or avoid difficult conversations.
Q: Can guys ghost unintentionally?
A: While ghosting is typically seen as a deliberate action, there are instances where guys may unintentionally ghost due to various circumstances, such as overwhelming personal issues, forgetfulness, or miscommunication. However, in most cases, ghosting tends to be a conscious decision.
In conclusion, the act of ghosting, particularly among guys, can be attributed to various reasons, often involving a combination of personal circumstances, communication issues, and emotional factors. While it is essential to remember that not all guys engage in ghosting behavior, they may do so to avoid confrontation, seek emotional distance, or lack the necessary communication skills to address difficult conversations.
Additionally, societal factors such as online dating platforms and a culture that promotes casual relationships can contribute to the prevalence of ghosting. However, it is important to acknowledge that ghosting is an insensitive and hurtful behavior that can negatively impact the individuals on the receiving end. Building healthier communication patterns and fostering empathy and respect are crucial steps toward creating more meaningful connections and reducing ghosting in relationships.
Olivia Brown is a seasoned expert in relationships and dating, with over 10 years of experience in the field. She has helped countless couples and individuals navigate the complexities of love and relationships, and has a passion for helping people find meaningful and fulfilling connections.
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9 Reasons Why Guys Ghost Girls
Last Updated: December 30, 2022 Fact Checked
This article was written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Hunter Rising . Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 53,241 times.
So you've been chatting with a guy, but then all of a sudden, he just disappears. If you thought the convo was going well, you're probably left wondering why the guy ghosted you. Even though it may hurt, know that a guy ghosting you isn't your fault. There are actually a lot of reasons why guys ghost that have nothing to do with the person they ghosted. Keep reading to find out why a guy may stop messaging you and what you can do to feel better. This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, Sarah Schewitz, founder of Couples Learn. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Some guys ghost because they don't know how to cut off communication more directly.
- They may not be ready for a serious commitment, but want to avoid confrontation or protect you from being hurt.
- Sometimes, guys ghost because something happens unexpectedly in their personal life.
He wants to avoid conflict.
- Ghosting someone to avoid conflict isn’t a fair thing to do to you, and it just means that the guy has issues he needs to work out on his own.
- Some guys are shy talking about what they really want from a relationship, so it’s easier for them to just move on.
He thinks ghosting hurts you less.
- It’s completely okay to feel hurt or upset when a guy ghosts you because it’s not a cool thing to do. Let yourself feel those emotions since they’re an important part of moving forward.
He has low self-esteem.
- Remember that you’re not responsible for how a guy feels. The guy needs more time to grow and you don’t have to wait around for him.
He’s been ghosted before.
- Rather than dwelling on the relationship you could have had, recognize that the guy isn’t giving you everything that you need.
He’s dealing with something in his personal life.
- Usually, it’s best to move on . Even if the guy had something going on in his life, he could have taken a minute or two to send you an update. You deserve someone better who will reach out.
He’s not ready for a relationship.
- Take this opportunity to really reflect on what you want and need from a guy in your relationship so you can find someone who meets your needs in the future.
He has an avoidant attachment style.
- You can try reaching out again for closure if you really felt a connection with the guy. Try something like, “Hey, I don’t know what happened, but I felt a connection and I’d appreciate a quick convo to hear why you think this isn’t working.”
He lost interest.
- It’s going to be okay even if the guy you like doesn’t like you back. You’re an amazing person that deserves to find someone who loves who you are . There are plenty of people out there that will appreciate spending time with you.
He was leading you on.
- It’s okay to feel upset if a guy was playing games with you. Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings and grieve so you can start healing.
- Take some time to focus on self-care . Hang out with your friends, pick up some hobbies, and do things that make you feel happy.
- Remember that someone ghosting you isn’t your fault and that there’s someone out there for you. You’ll be able to find another person that’s excited to spend time and talk with you.  X Research source Thanks Helpful 17 Not Helpful 3
- If you’ve been ghosted a few times, try taking it slow and being upfront about your relationship expectations when you first start talking. That way, a guy will know that you expect him to communicate.  X Research source Thanks Helpful 11 Not Helpful 5
You Might Also Like
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202111/4-reasons-why-people-ghost
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-youve-been-ghosted#ghosting-explained
- ↑ https://www.psycom.net/what-is-ghosting
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202001/were-you-ghosted-learn-why-and-how-respond-when-it-happens
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/why-men-go-mia-dating
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-youve-been-ghosted#what-to-do
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Why Ghosters Always Come Back: Understand the Mind of a Ghoster
You don’t know why you were ghosted. by the time you moved on, the ghoster is back. what the heck why do ghosters always come back.
If being ghosted wasn’t confusing enough already, it just became even more baffling. Why do ghosters always come back? I mean, being ghosted is a one-sided breakup without closure, so what do you do when they come back? Without answers, it can be hard to move on and even harder to build yourself back up.
But, once you come to the realization that you deserve better and move on, boom! You get a text from your ghoster.
It can be anything from “Heyyyy. You up?” to “I saw you got a promotion, Congrats, you deserve it.” But, it is never an apology, an explanation, or even an admission or mention of any wrongdoing.
If someone wanted to end their relationship or flirtation with you so badly that they couldn’t even do you the courtesy of explaining why, why would they reemerge? Well, according to an article from Psychology Today, ghosters often choose that path because it isn’t a permanent breakup. Did they plan to come back all along?
When wondering why ghosters always come back, the answers are not as simple as you think. This person was so scared of your reaction to them ending things that they cut off all communication, but now they come back. Why? [Read: Why being ghosted hurts so much and what you need to do about it]
What is it called when ghosters come back?
We know what ghosting is, but when ghosters come back, what is that? It isn’t exactly haunting because that is a lot more irritating and subtle. Is it resurrecting? No, that is too nice. I think the term is zombieing.
Yes, a zombie. That is definitely the right descriptor for a ghoster that comes back. This isn’t someone yearning for a second chance, but someone sneaking back up on you to eat your brains, or more literally hurt you emotionally. [Read: How to handle the zombies of dating]
Why ghosters always come back
Like me, I hope your first reaction to a ghoster that comes back is F*** OFF. But, not all of us can just shut people down how ghosters can. Many people are too kind for that and feel they deserve an explanation, while others just want to see what they’ll say.
Whether you want to know why your ghoster came back or you want to know for research purposes, here are the reasons why ghosters always come back. [Read: 15 ways to ghostbust a ghost like a badass]
1. They’re bored
This is probably the most common. When a ghoster ghosts, they were bored or over it. Now they are bored of something else, so they reach out.
You’ll know this is the reason if they reach out with barely any effort. They might just say ‘hey’ and see if you respond.
2. They want an ego boost
This is something ghosters will never admit to, but you would be surprised how often this is why ghosters always come back. The person who ghosted you is feeling down, or maybe they were just ghosted by someone else.
Even though they aren’t genuinely interested, they reach out to see if you’ll respond. If you do, they get that warm fuzzy feeling that they are still on your mind. Don’t give them the satisfaction. [Read: The unassuming signs you’re dating a jerk]
3. Ghosters are narcissistic
Some ghosters truly are narcissists who believe the world revolves around them. They knew what they were doing when they ghosted you. They know it would drive you nuts, but they did it anyway.
So, when ghosters come back, they don’t even entertain the idea that you’ll ignore them. They assume you have been thinking about them all the time, whether a week or a year. If you don’t answer, they may even reach out again. [Read: Why do narcissists ignore texts and do the selfish things they do?]
4. They’re oblivious
This is the most ignorant and immature of all the ghosters. They are genuinely unaware that they are not a decent person. They think ignoring you for weeks or months was totally cool. [Read: What does it mean when someone’s ignoring your texts on purpose?]
5. The ghoster saw your cute Instagram post
Yup, this is a thing. If a ghoster is still following you online, AKA-haunting, they may reach out because they just saw your fire Instagram post. Instead of letting you live your best life away from them and their dirty ghosting past, they decide to hit you up.
6. They’re hurt
They want a rebound even if they don’t plan on seeing you or talking to you for more than a night. When something doesn’t work out for a ghoster, they crawl back into the lives of those they’ve screwed over. [Read: 16 signs you’re his rebound girl and nothing more]
7. The ghoster is curious
When it comes to ghosting, it is all about the head games, whether the ghoster realizes it or not. The ghoster wants to see where you are. Sure he screwed you before but wants to see if you are holding a grudge or if you’d be up for Netflix and chilling.
8. They’re lazy
A ghoster that comes back is like a 90’s guy calling the ladies in his little black book. Instead of meeting anyone new and forming a connection, he wants to rekindle what you had before.
Who knows if his intentions are noble or not *they probably are not*, but he sounds like a waste of energy either way. [Read: Why do guys ghost? 15 reasons why they turn into cowardly pricks]
9. Ghosters are entitled, cocky, or stupid
Ghosting in and of itself is an entitled move that proves someone is selfish, uncaring, and all-around immature. But, when the ghoster comes back, they are just showing you once again how they think their feelings are more important than yours.
Ghosting, in general, is an act of convenience. Instead of ending things or even pausing them, the ghoster doesn’t have to plan out what to say or when to say it. The ghoster just does what is convenient for them. The same goes for when ghosters come back.
They are lonely or curious or bored and reaching out to you is the most convenient for them. [Read: 10 consequences of ghosting]
11. They genuinely miss you
This is the rarest of rare occasions. I do not want you to get your hopes up or believe that just because they texted you “I miss you” after ignoring you for weeks that they actually mean it.
But, there are rare occurrences that someone genuinely feels bad for being an idiot and asks for your forgiveness. But, this is only the case if they actually verbalize/type this out. They must acknowledge what they did. They should offer an apology, or they are not worth the risk. [Read: How to handle the guys who ghost and come back]
What to do when ghosters comes back?
When a ghoster comes back, it can be so infuriating. If you are calmer than me, it may just be not very pleasant. You already moved on, and now they are ready to give you a second chance? I don’t think so.
Your last text *that is visible to both of you in the conversation* could literally say, “WTF, way to ghost me, you immature turd.” And they still have the nerve to text you, “Hey cutie ;)” at two am four months later.
A ghoster that comes back usually takes zero accountability for leading you on, cutting you off, and driving you freaking bonkers. They never explained leaving your life, so they don’t feel a need to explain why they are back. [Read: When someone stops texting you – The sad, mad and pissed off girl’s guide]
I have even asked ghosters that come back, why. Their artful way of avoiding the answer is a psychological marvel.
As I said, I do think in 9/10 ghosting situations, if the ghoster comes back, you should block them and move on with your amazing life. There is that tiny, itty-bitty, minuscule amount of times that the ghost genuinely feels bad and wants a second chance.
If they actually take responsibility for it, proceed with a lot of caution. Otherwise, don’t even give them the time of day. Unless, of course, you’re going to offer a witty dig at them and post it online.
[Read: Haunting vs ghosting: Why haunting is so much worse]
Now you know why ghosters always come back. It may not make you feel any better but, at least you know how you should move forward.
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The Psychology of Ghosting: Why People Do It and a Better Way to Break Up
Online and mobile tool that empowers people to conquer anxiety, stress, and eating disorders
By Maya Borgueta, Psy.D and Senior Coach at Lantern
Chances are you've been "ghosted" before. "Ghosting" is when someone you're dating ends the relationship by cutting off all communication, without any explanation. And we're not talking about not getting a text back after one awkward OKCupid date, but receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates, or when you're in a committed relationship. And while this post focuses on romantic relationships, it's worth noting that ghosting can also happen -- no less painfully -- in platonic friendships as well.
Even though the silence probably left you at best confused, and at worst, diving into your deepest insecurities for answers, an Elle.com survey found that you've also likely been the ghost yourself at some point. The survey shows that 26 percent of women and 33 percent of men have both ghosted and been ghosted, while 24 percent of women and 17 percent of men admit to ghosting (but not being ghosted on).
So, you may already know from experience that we can't simply categorize ghosts as bad people with no respect for others' feelings.
There are many psychological reasons why someone ghosts, but at its core, ghosting is avoidance and often stems from fear of conflict. Which means, at its heart, that ghosting is about wanting to avoid confrontation, avoid difficult conversations, avoid hurting someone's feelings.
To learn more about how all that avoidance can increase your anxiety and the amount of conflict in your life, keep reading.
It's important to distinguish the "ghosting" phenomenon from escaping an unsafe or abusive relationship. You have every right to escape the latter without further communication, in whatever way keeps you physically and emotionally safe. However, if your motivation for disappearing is avoidance, then you might want to consider a better way to break up.
Scientific studies on ghosting show it's costly for both parties
Relationship research shows that ghosting (a.k.a. avoidance) is the worst way to end a relationship , according to the recipient, and can actually lead to bigger confrontations down the line. While ghosting seems to have become pervasive over the last decade, and many people point to more online dating apps and fading decorum around courting as causes -- ghosting is nothing new.
According to a study on preferred relationship ending strategies conducted in the 1970s, when one person ends a relationship through avoidance, it's likely to trigger more anger and hurt for the recipient.
Surprisingly, avoidance also costs the ghost much more in the long run, because frustrated recipients often track down and confront the ghost, sometimes in embarrassing situations like at work or in front of family.
For someone who chose to avoid conflict in the first place, a showdown is the worst outcome a ghost could hope for--and it ends up being more destructive for both parties than just initially communicating during a breakup. The study also explains the lasting cost of guilt that a ghost feels, finding that "even if the other party passively accepts the avoidance action, the terminator faces the lingering cost of knowing that he or she took the coward's way out of the relationship."
Avoiding conflict reinforces anxiety
Most people don't look forward to tough conversations, and breaking up certainly falls in that category. Fear of disappointing someone, looking like the "bad guy," or dealing with someone's direct anger can cause anxiety. But the more you avoid conflict, the more anxiety builds over time.
Each time you think about having a tough conversation, your anxiety and fear of conflict take over, and you avoid the conversation to suppress your fear.
The more you back down from your anxiety, the more likely you are to avoid anxiety-producing situations in the future. In fact, a frequent ghost is probably avoiding conflicts throughout their relationship. And many of the issues they avoid are likely problems that might have been sorted out through open communication.
By working to overcome fear of conflict, you can reduce anxiety, and build courage and communication skills that are important in many types of relationships--from friendships to the workplace. Here's how to overcome your fear of conflict:
Practice with someone safe to face your fear
One of the best ways to confront your fear of conflict is with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) technique called exposure. Exposure means putting yourself into the situation you fear in real-life to gradually lessen your usual anxious responses to the situation. You don't have to tackle the scariest conversations first. Build up to the toughest ones -- like relationship discussions -- by practicing with someone you trust and feel comfortable around, like a close friend or family member. If you struggle with disagreements, you can start by expressing your opinions about impersonal things like a movie or a restaurant when they differ from your friends' thoughts.
Confronting your fears gets easier the more you do it. So, after practicing with someone safe, you'll be ready to start exposing yourself to more difficult conversations. These could include small disagreements with your significant other. Over time, you'll conquer your fear of conflict and tendency to avoid hard conversations.
Take care of yourself
Exposure will probably be uncomfortable or difficult, so take care of yourself before and after. Breakups can also be as hard on the person ending the relationship as the person being broken up with. You may feel guilt over initiating a breakup, or even guilt over your sadness it ended, since you initiated the split. Keep in mind that caring about someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them are separate things.
After exposure or a difficult relationship discussion, try taking a relaxing 10-minute walk, practicing a breathing exercise, or enjoying a long bath. Give yourself credit for confronting your fear.
To uncover the thoughts contributing to your fear of conflict and learn how to challenge them, try a free 7-day trial of Lantern here . You'll be paired with a professional coach that can guide you through anxiety-reducing techniques, or listen and give you feedback on your specific relationship concerns.
-- Maya Borgueta, Psy.D and Senior Coach at Lantern
This article first appeared on Lantern's blog , which shares expert advice and research on strengthening emotional well-being.
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Being Ghosted: Why It Happens and How to Cope
Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.
Verywell / Laura Porter
Why Do People Ghost?
- How to Cope
What Does Ghosting Say About a Person?
Is ghosting emotional abuse.
Ghosting occurs when someone you are dating or getting to know disappears without a trace. This could happen at the very beginning of a relationship or in the middle of one, whether in person or online. Dealing with being ghosted is incredibly difficult—especially because you usually don't know the cause or know how to react.
The person suddenly quits all contact with you—they won’t respond to texts, emails, calls, or social media messages. The mental health effects of being on the receiving end of these actions can be very challenging.
Learn more about why people ghost and how to move forward if it happens to you or someone you know.
People ghost for a variety of reasons. Relationship experts and psychologists agree that people who ghost are avoiding an uncomfortable situation. This evasion, while perceived as a lack of regard, is often because they feel it’s the best way to handle their own distress or inability to clearly communicate .
Ghosters themselves admit they don’t want to hurt you or they don’t know what to do. Sometimes they don’t think discussing a situation was necessary or they became scared. Ghosting is a passive way to withdraw.
But some ghosters perceive that to disappear completely might actually be the easiest and best way to handle the situation for all. Others ghost because now that it’s common, it’s an almost justifiable way to exit a relationship nowadays.
In today’s dating culture, being ghosted and ghosting is common.
How to Cope When You've Been Ghosted
It's not always easy, and it often takes time, but there are things you can do to start to feel better even if you've been ghosted by someone in your life.
Rid Yourself of Blame
After someone disappears suddenly, it’s hard to not feel regret, embarrassment and shame. After all, you risked for the sake of growth and it backfired. While ghosting feels so personal, it’s not about you. It’s about them.
Because you usually can’t find a cause and there is no explanation furnished, you may blame yourself. You might want to put up walls so you don’t get hurt again in the future. Or you may tell your friends you will stop dating completely, using a cognitive distortion like all-or-nothing thinking .
Now is the time to regroup, be kind to yourself and take a break. You are not to blame for someone walking away without a peep. Nor is it your fault that the other person couldn’t maturely give you the truth.
Nix the Shame
Shame comes about sometimes when we are reminded of previous rejections. But is ghosting rejection?
Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW
Ghosting carries an echo of old rejection. It's painful because it activates—and emulates—a previous hurt or betrayal by someone we didn't just think we could trust but whom we had to trust, often during our formative years. Here's the catch: It's not necessarily about the betrayal but about our not having processed and integrated that early memory, and what it meant to us.
Resnick, whose trauma-informed books about recovery from the effects of narcissistic relationships have helped tens of thousands of readers, reassures those who were ghosted and bids them to take care.
“Understood this way, we can see why self-compassion is in order,” she says. “Being dropped and feeling unseen is always painful, and there is never shame or embarrassment in feeling what is real.”
How do you move forward? You need self-compassion and self-care. Invest in time with friends and family who can support you. Also, you might indulge in activities that make you happy like taking a yoga class or returning to a hobby that you love. You can also try homeopathic treatments or acupuncture.
Elena Klimenko, MD, and Integrative Medicine Specialist sometimes uses a "broken heart" homeopathic treatment for a heartfelt loss . She says, “In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian—which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm—is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings."
When you think of the ghoster, be sure to reframe your ideas about them and the relationship. After all, they violated the contract of what it takes to be in a mature, healthy relationship. That includes mutual respect, good communication and thoughtfulness. Therefore, this wasn’t the right person for you, anyway.
David C. Leopold, MD DABFM, DABOIM, and Network Medical Director for Integrative Health and Medicine at Hackensack Meridian Health says, “When patients experience any emotional or mental health challenges, I focus on helping them build resilience and enhancing their self-compassion and self-care."
Dr. Leopold uses a comprehensive approach, including engaging in physical activity, prioritizing sleep, optimizing nutrition, cultivating meaning and purpose, and, reducing stress through practices like mindfulness and meditation.”
Therefore, if you’re emotionally exhausted and stressed, where do you start in taking care of yourself? “Multiple studies clearly show that eating healthy improves mental health—reducing stress, anxiety and even depression. And any form of exercise, even just walking, is a potent natural anti-depressant,” says Leopold.
If you’re ruminating too much, use an app to increase mindfulness or begin a meditation practice . Leopold suggests you don’t forget about finding meaning and purpose. “Studies show focusing on meaning and purpose increases oxytocin, our 'feel good' hormone, which increases feelings of connection and improves mood.” Overall, he advises that you take this time “as an opportunity to focus on you and enriching your resilience.”
Despite ghosting being normalized, it's more about the problem the ghoster is having than it is about you. Ghosting says a lot about the person in many different ways. For instance, it could say that they lacked the courage to do the right thing by explaining why they could no longer continue a relationship with you.
The person or people who ghosted you didn’t treat you with integrity, therefore, did not consider the implications of their actions. It could also signal that they may not care about their actions and are inconsiderate or unreliable.
Or, it could be none of the above. The ghoster may be dealing with a mental health or medical condition (of a loved one or their own) that is making it difficult for them to reach out at the current time.
Whatever the case may be, being ghosted is not a reflection on you or your worthiness. Nor should it render you powerless.
Ghosting is a form of silent treatment, which mental health professionals have described as emotional cruelty or even emotional abuse if done so intentionally. You feel powerless and silenced. You don't know to make sense of the experience or have an opportunity to express your feelings.
This cowardly act, unfortunately pretty normalized by our culture, can cause immense pain. As you have no clue about what happened, your mind first jumps to many possibilities. Was your new love interest injured in a car accident? Is their family okay? Maybe it’s just a crazy busy time at work and they will contact you again soon?
You might feel a wave of different emotions: sadness, anger , loneliness , confusion. Mental health professionals find that no response is especially painful for people on an emotional level. You feel helpless and shunned without information that could guide your understanding.
Being ghosted might result in exhibiting a variety of negative emotions and questioning yourself. Don't play the blame and shame game. Hold your head up high, hold onto your dignity, and let them go. Someone better could be out there looking for you.
Practice self-care and build your resilience during this painful time. If you’re still struggling to cope after being ghosted by a romantic interest, a friend, or someone in the workplace, reach out to a doctor or a mental health professional for assistance.
Press Play for Advice On Dealing With Negative Emotions
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to stay mentally strong when you're dealing with negative emotions. Click below to listen now.
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By Barbara Field Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.
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Why Ghosting Hurts So Much
Ghosting says nothing about your worthiness for love..
Posted November 27, 2015 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
- Ghosting means one person cuts off contact with another after a period of friendship or dating, usually to avoid one's own emotional discomfort.
- Ghosting upsets the one ghosted because people are wired to regulate their emotions partly through social cues from others.
- Those with low self-esteem can take longer to get over ghosting because they have less natural opioid released into the brain after a rejection.
The opposite of love isn’t hate; it's indifference. Ghosting , for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating , disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text.
Ghosting isn’t new—people have long engaged in disappearing acts—but years ago this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel. In today’s dating culture being ghosted is a phenomenon that approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting. 1 Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem .
Why do people ghost?
People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who met online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.
- “I didn't understand exactly how I actually felt at the time, so instead of trying to talk it out, I ghosted.” 2
- “I used to disappear when it was all I thought it was [a fling], or I got scared of finding what I wanted… Or some kind of fear factor from a past relationship kicks in.” 2
- “Looking through the lens of a coward, passive withdrawal from dating seems like the easiest and nicest route… until it’s done to you.” 3
- “I kind of think that it's part of what makes the online dating scene so appealing. Since you don't have friends in common or weren't introduced through some other channel, it's not the end of the world if you just drop off the face of the earth.” 4
- “I, for one, consider myself to be an honest and straightforward person. And yet I’ve ghosted... And I’ve told myself, time and time again, that it’s all the fault of the toxic dating culture we’ve created. And at the end of the day, I think that’s what we’re all telling ourselves.” 5
How does it feel to be ghosted?
For many people, ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used, and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic . When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.
- “I felt like an idiot. Like I had been played a fool. And more so I felt disrespected. Take the romantics away, to have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them again? That’s painful and really disappointing. No one deserves to be blown off.” 6
- “It still felt a bit like someone had punched me in the gut when it happened. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes a hit. The only thing worse than being broken up with is realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth breaking up with.” 7
- “Going from texting every day and seeing each other a couple of times a week to nothing without the slightest hint of why was a kick in the gut.” 8
- “Ghosting is one of the cruelest forms of torture dating can serve up.” 9
Why does it feel so bad?
Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. 10 In fact, you can reduce the emotional pain of rejection with a pain medication like Tylenol. 11 But in addition to this biological link between rejection and pain, there are some specific factors about ghosting that contribute to psychological distress.
Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened. Staying connected to others is so important to our survival that our brain has evolved to have a social monitoring system that scans the environment for cues so that we know how to respond in social situations. 12 Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control.
One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in place to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person via feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When a rejection occurs your self-esteem can drop, which social psychologists propose is meant to be a signal that your social belonging is low. 13 If you have been through multiple ghostings or if your self-esteem is already low, you are likely to experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid (painkiller) released into the brain after a rejection when compared with those whose self-esteem is higher. 14
Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. 15 It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.
How do you move forward?
The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he or she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: "I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you." Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.
Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your heart open and your focus forward.
For more, see " When Is It OK to Ghost Someone? "
Krossa, E., Bermana, M., Mischelb, W., Edward E. Smith, and Wager, T. 2011. Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), 108 (15), p. 6270–6275, doi: 10.1073/pnas.1102693108.
DeWall, C., et al. 2010. Acetaminophen Reduces Social Pain: Behavioral and Neural Evidence. Psychological Sciences, 21 (7), p. 931 -7
Cynthia L. Pickett, C., Gardner, W., and Knowles, M. 2004. Getting a Cue: The Need to Belong and Enhanced Sensitivity to Social Cues. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30 (9), p. 1095-1107.
Leary, M. R., Haupt, A. L., Strausser, K. S., & Chokel, J. T. 1998. Calibrating the sociometer: The relationship between interpersonal appraisals and state self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, p.1290-1299.
Hsu, D. et al. 2013. Response of the μ-opioid system to social rejection and acceptance. Molecular Psychiatry , 18, p. 1211–1217.
Williams, C., Richardson, D. Hammock, G., Janit, S. 2012. Perceptions of physical and psychological aggression in close relationships: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17, (6), p. 489–494.
Jennice Vilhauer, Ph.D. , is the Director of Emory University’s Adult Outpatient Psychotherapy Program in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science in the School of Medicine.
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Why Do Men Ghost? 5 Reasons He Stopped Messaging
The next day, you text him again. You wait and wait, but he doesn’t text you back. You have a feeling he never will.
He ghosted you.
Ghosting happens when a person you’re talking to stops all contact abruptly without explanation or warning. The person just disappears. It happens so often that women constantly ask me: why do men ghost?
Guys aren’t the only one who ghost. Women do it too. But, for the purpose of this article, I’m going to look at why men ghost and give you several possible reasons.
He Has A Girlfriend
Online dating is so easy that anyone can put up a profile and start swiping. This includes guys who are married and in long term relationships. One study showed that thirty percent of people on Tinder are married while another twelve percent are in a long term relationship. So, forty-two percent of people on that dating app aren’t single!
Some men ghost because they were already in a relationship when they met you. They might feel guilty about the potential cheating and cut off contact. Or, their significant other might have busted them and they ghosted for that reason.
You can see if this is true by doing a little stalking. If you can find his social media or other information, look around and see if there is evidence of a girlfriend.
He Found Someone Else
Online dating allows men and women to have options. You no longer have to date within your local communities or friend groups. As a result, many men find “dating around” or “playing the field” easier than ever.
So, if he stopped talking to you abruptly, the odds are good that he started talking to someone else. Or, maybe he was talking to that woman at the same time as you and now they are getting serious. Either way, the result is the same for you: ghosted.
When women ask me why do men ghost, finding someone else is the most common answer. You might have felt a great connection and liked him a lot, but, sadly, he wanted someone else.
He Lost Interest
You won’t get along with every guy and every guy won’t find you attractive or compatible. In the past, you’d meet someone in person or through a friend and have a pretty good idea of that person’s attractiveness upfront.
As a result, you might text someone a few days, meet up, and then he determines that he doesn’t feel a spark.
Rather than tell you immediately that he doesn’t feel attraction or chemistry (or lost it), he does the easy thing and ghosts you.
He Was A Fake
Catfishing, or pretending to be someone else online, is a huge problem and this applies to dating, as well. Over half of Americans admit to falsifying online profiles. About ten percent of all profiles are scammers. If you’re interested in a shocking read, the statistics are crazy .
Scammers and catfish are very skilled in manipulation. You thought you created a genuine connection with a fun, friendly, handsome local guy, but, all along, you talked to an old, ugly, married man halfway across the world who only used you for attention.
Many people who catfish end up feeling guilty or fear that you will catch them in their lies. Or, things simply start to unravel over time. Very few catfish will admit their actions and apologize. So, they only have one option when everything falls apart: ghosting.
Examine your texts with the guy who ghosted you and see if you can see signs that he was a scammer or a fake. When you’re in the moment with someone you think you love, you can’t always see the truth. Now that he ghosted you, try to look back objectively. Here are a few tips to catch a catfish online . Use them in the future if you think a catfish played with your heart then ghosted you.
Because He Can
Online dating has transformed human interaction and the process of finding love, sometimes for the worse. In the past, when you dated, you would typically meet people in your community, workplace, or friend group.
If the guy treated you like crap or behaved like a jerk, he’d have to answer to someone. It might be your intimidating uncle, his co-workers, or the rest of the neighbors. This stopped people from behaving too badly.
Fast forward to online dating where you can match with someone who is a total stranger. He has no connection to you or your life. So, if he matches, messages, goes out on a couple dates, then ghosts you, he will have no consequences. If he has no spine or conscience, then ghosting is an easy, guilt free way to get rid of you.
Instead of asking why do men ghost, my best advice is to forget the actual reasons for ghosting and see the ghosting as a blessing in disguise.
I know this isn’t easy to do. But, look at it this way: if a guy lacks the courage to explain why he wants to stop talking, he won’t make a good boyfriend anyway!
By ghosting you, it frees you to move on to other, better men who will treat you the way you deserve.
About the Author
Jonathan bennett, related posts, 4 powerful tips to end a fight with your partner, 4 common holiday relationship problems, 5 signs your partner is emotionally unavailable, 4 signs you’re falling out of love.
"he rides it when the monsters come": new ghost rider's hellcycle is the coolest yet.
Marvel Comics just introduced a new Ghost Rider with the latest upcoming issue of The Incredible Hulk, and his hellcycle is the coolest one yet.
- Marvel introduces a new Ghost Rider in The Incredible Hulk #6, and this one has a World War II aesthetic, riding an antique Harley-Davidson WLA motorcycle.
- This Ghost Rider's appearance suggests that he either has a passion for history or has actually been around since World War II, punishing those guilty of irredeemable sin.
- The introduction of this new Ghost Rider opens up the possibility for a potential World War II-era crossover with Captain America, hinting at an exciting team-up in the future.
Warning! This article contains spoilers for The Incredible Hulk #6 Ghost Rider has always been a Marvel Comics antihero with style. Whether that be as a stuntman, or a drag-racer, or even simply a classic leatherbound biker, Ghost Rider always looks cool, no matter the aesthetic he chooses. Not to mention his flaming skull adding an unparalleled layer of badassery to all the character’s many ‘skins’. And now, the latest Spirit of Vengeance to be added to Marvel lore just introduced their hellcycle, and by extension, their style - and it’s the coolest yet.
In a preview for The Incredible Hulk #6 by Phillip Kennedy Johnson and Nic Klein, Bruce Banner and his new sidekick Charlie are staying with a group of kind strangers in their temporary camp. Banner is currently on the run from every monster in the world, including and especially the monster within Bruce Banner's very psyche: the Hulk . So, he and Charlie are traveling the country together, trying to find a way to fight the beasts. Now, it seems they’ve stumbled upon someone who’s doing the very same thing: Ghost Rider.
While speaking with some of the children at the camp, Charlie is shown a seemingly dilapidated motorcycle - a 1940 Harley-Davidson WLA motorcycle to be exact - and when she shows excitement at seeing the classic bike, one of the children tells her that it belongs to ‘an angel’ and that, “ He rides it when the monsters come ”.
Related: Ghost Rider's True Speed Revealed as Marvel Puts a Number on the Hell Cycle's Power
The Incredible Hulk Introduces A New World War II-Era Ghost Rider
Though there wasn’t a panel of this new Ghost Rider in the preview, fans do get a good look at him on the cover art provided, and it looks as though he was ripped straight from a World War II battlefield. Not only is his bike an antique World War II-era Harley (which is probably the all-time coolest vehicle to ever be ridden by a Ghost Rider), but he’s also in the full uniform of an American World War II soldier.
This Ghost Rider is either a history buff who wants to add a bit of extra flair to his tenure as a Spirit of Vengeance, or he’s actually been around since World War II, punishing those guilty of irredeemable sin. Either way, he’s bringing an aesthetic fans haven’t yet seen from any other Ghost Rider.
Marvel Comics Could Do An Epic Ghost Rider/Captain America WWII Team-Up
If this Ghost Rider has been around all this time, then that means it’s not outside the realm of possibility that he fought alongside Captain America during World War II. While nothing other than his aesthetic even hints that this could be the case, it’s an interesting thing to consider with just the information given in this preview alone, and could lead to an awesome Captain America/Ghost Rider team-up down the road.
Before even making it onto a single panel, Marvel’s new Ghost Rider has already laid the groundwork for a potential World War II-era crossover right in the middle of his ongoing crossover with the Hulk. However, despite the prospects of this Ghost Rider’s promising future, there’s one key takeaway that stands above all others: Marvel’s new Ghost Rider has the coolest hellcycle - and aesthetic - yet.
The Incredible Hulk #6 by Marvel Comics is available November 22, 2023.